MY PSYCHE

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Wrote this last night while I was feeling strange.. it has to do with Jane Eyre. We've been reading/watching it in English (The 1983 BBC miniseries with Timothy Dalton) and I've realized that Jane is my essence. Essentially prudish, shy, passionate within and willing to show it to defend her character, but overall the most loving and compassionate and forgiving person you could know. And Mr. Rochester is my exact match, as he is hers. I began to feel like there is a Rochester out there for me and, in my Jane-ness, I will wait and he will come to me in time to show me the ways of love. It's kinda silly, I know. But at the time I wrote this and was thinking about the Jane Eyre concept, it was absolutely overwhelming and i knew it with a verity as fierce as the sun.

( prepare to either be confused or thrown into a long lasting awe of life.. )

I just watched that movie and I'm listening to the soundtrack now, it's beautiful. I suddenly love life again.. I've always felt up in the air, but I never realized that it could be just fine and okay, such an amazing thing. I always thought I needed a plan to feel secure, but I don't. I feel totally secure right now, and I have no clue what I'm going to do for the future. Anyone who has trouble with that should seriously watch Up In The Air, it's gorgeous.

Decided to randomly post something since I'm at a different location lol, totally at a vid-game partay with amazing friends :3



Random steampunk fish i drew for a commission; my friend wanted me to draw her a tattoo for her hip, she provided the idea and i producified it C:

I feel like writing something random, I need to channel some things.. This is live

Tangled up with straps of cloth always, standing on the sidewalk carrying cases, curled on the couch, struggling in bed to quiet the mind. They're always there. No one stares at them because they're invisible, I have to hide them. The little self-made traps and catchings, silently malicious. They stare with only their feeling, grungy once-white fabric that can't be torn. The stuff of straight-jackets. They grew out of my mind because I let them. Someone inside my brain has bidden them to form. I can't seem to find the base of them to cut, I'm afraid of damaging my brain, my psyche, my soul. If I can never find the base of them I can never get rid of them and they will forever be here, strangling me, choking out the light of love. I can't trust myself when I have these vicious vipers crashing my wits every time I twitch. Sometimes a light passes by, but it never stops. Maybe because it senses my troubled mind. Maybe, just maybe, it knows it cannot trust me either. I'll never have a love. Not unless I can tear these self-made harnesses from my being, get them out of my skin and my organs, my heart. I'll never have a lover. I seem not made to embrace another human being. I think I want a rescuer but I think also that I must help myself. But I long so for an embrace, a touch, strong arms to hold me. Warm body heat seeping into my heart to comfort me. I want to feel safe. But more than that, I want to be safe. Strings are binding me. Strings all the way down my fingers. Inhibiting my hands. I can't even wipe away my own tears anymore...

An interpretation of myself, though not in physical appearance but emotional. Sometimes I feel like there's a monster inside. I feel like my two sides interfere with each other, giving both myself and those around me mixed messages about who I really am.



So I'm pretty annoyed because, for some unknown reason, the library's internet won't let me on youtube or deviantart and a magnitude of other large and well known websites. Luckily it will let me on here. And besides my internet related frustrations, im still trying to figure out how to get home from here because my family's only car is completely broken down. I suppose I'll just call a cab, it's so expensive though. Oh! And my phone is totally gone. The place where you stick the charger is totally ruined so it died slowly and agonizingly. At least I was able to get my numbers out of it, and my mom says we have insurance on it and she can get another one, so I'm not totally devastated.

This last part is short and sweet, but i don't feel this way anymore. It did last a while and i still really don't know exactly why i felt it in the first place, but it's gone now.

 

( 12-9-09 )

 

 

( 12-8-09 )

 

 

( 12-8-09 )

 

Beware, this is a long one. I did it in four parts over three days while i was confused over my feelings for a guy. As of now they've pretty much dwindled away and i look at him as a friend. So, here yah go! 

 

( 12-7-09 )